When your dealt Lemons....

44 years, 3 months and 22 days before I turn 45. Officially marking 21+ years living with HIV.

What have I learned?

1) Life goes on.....Let go of the nonsense. All the heartache and pain you felt will continue to bring you sadness if you don't let it all go. Easier said than done, but nonetheless, in the long run, it's much better for you.

2) Surround yourself with people who will elevate your "living experience"......Why in the world would you want to continue with negativity and narrow-mindness. People are people with a God-Given right to free will.
We may not agree with one another on certain issues but every experience whether considered good or bad, will make you stronger, if you take the time and try to understand what the lesson is all about.

3) Look to yourself for answers. Don't just follow the crowd....To often we allow outside influences control our day to day living. Do YOU. That's all there is to it.

4)Keep an open mind....a stubborn person is only detrimental to themselves. By not keeping an open-mind you are more than likely to miss out on some incredible experience that may open doors for you. Those Doors may lead you to a place you never thought possible.

5)Learn to practice what you preach.....You can not be of any assistance to anyone if you are not living the life you so profoundly want to live. Do as you Do as you would want others to Do.

6)Live your Life......In order to have a Life you've got to start living it. Open the curtains, open the windows, listen to the sounds of all that comes your way. Inspiration comes in all forms. Get out and Get Inspired.

7)Never forget where you were......If you forget where you were and who you were you want be able to see just how far you've come and where you can go.

8)No that you are not alone....So many of us think that we are the only ones going through this "situation." 9 times out of 10, you are not the only one feeling this way.

9)Love....Be open to it. It comes in all shapes, sizes, colors, ethnicities, modes of expression. An open heart leads to an open mind. You really can't have one without the other.

10) Know yourself.....What do you like? Dislike? What is your opinion on an "issue?" Always have an opinion about something. Don't be afraid to express it. Remember your opinion is just as important as another persons'. Live in the Truth
 .

Stand Up Against HIV

This is a video I put together to encourage people to get tested for HIV.

Ramblings…..

Regret. What is it exactly?

I don’t want to start a really deep conversation, but what is it about regret that gets us so fucked up?

Huh. I really want to know.

Is it the guilt we feel for things not done?

Is it the guilt we feel for things we shouldn’t have done?

Is it a combination of the two?

Two pigs in a trough don’t complain so why should I.

No I am not comparing myself to Swine, but truth be told, if a couple of pigs can roll around in the mud with the greatest-of-ease, then why the hell can’t I find joy in my life.

I’m human after all. That should count for something.

Why can’t I find the pleasure in simply being?

…because just being is no existence.

Wow. That was deep…..not.

Working Title...."Infected Dreams"......

Setting: A Dance/Reheasal Studio. Time: Early Evening




Scene 1



 Enter James. Early 40's. Actor. Carrying his "signature" backpack. Drops bag and goes through. Pulls out sheets of stapled paper. The script for the show in rehearsal. Grabs his Gatorade.



James: (restless) O.K., let's see what'cha got??


He moves around the stage going through various warm-ups. Checking his script and going over his memorization.


James: My brother, my brother...what do you fear? No!...what do You fear? Fear. Feeear. WHAT. DO. YOU. FEAR?!!...

My brother.? Brotha' !! Wazzz up my brotha'? Why am I doing this?



Out of No Where we hear a "Voice." (Alternative--an Actor dressed in black and always over James' shoulder.) His inner being. Free. Independent. All the things he thinks he isn't on the outside.



VoiceOutofNowhere: Because you promised him...and a promise is a promise.


James: I know but -- wait-a-minute...GOD?!


VoiceOutofNowhere: No, you jackass. I'm your conscience. Your betta' half, If I don't say so myself. And I'm telling you to get a move on. Get your ass in gear and learn those muthafuckin' lines BI-ATCH!!


James: Alright, alright!


Moves around the stage. Rolls shoulders. Takes center stage. Breathes in/out.


James: "My brother, my brother. What do you fear? Your sweet lips touch places that cause hellfire sensations....


Begins doing ballet movements while working on speech


James: (continues speech) "...too many things. Between your legs.....


VOoNW: What...??? What are you doing?


James: I...am...learning...my...lines. "...you stand in antici--pation waiting to re-discover the....


Changes to Modern dance


James: "...the source of SELF loathing. And SELF get his life...


VOoNW: Do I look like I was born yesterday???


James: (melodramatic) "...from fruit still for..." No. You look like me. And I'M learning these lines my way. Time to break the rules Jimmy-Boy. Fuck Tradition!


VOoNW: OMG! Did you just say....


James: Yes I did! Fuck It. Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck Tradition. Now, I distract myself as to "release any inhibitions I may be feeling at this moment in time. I AM AN ACTOR!


Silence


VOoNW: Uh, whatever!


Noises heard offstage


VoiceOutofNowhere: Somebody's coming you better chill.!


James stops doing the ballet and returns to working on the monologue. Enter Male. James tries to act normal.

 James: ...Your sweet lips touch places that cause...(surprised).....Hey!

A step in the right direction…? We hope.

So I did it. My very first film. Well I don’t know if film is the right word. More like 5th grade video project…but hey, I did it!

The following video came from an experience I had at an audition and seemed to be carried over to subsequent auditions for different projects. What are the odds?

So it got me thinking…

First things first....

I have to take myself more seriously. That's the bottom line. I can't be the only person in America lost and soul-less. I had to hyphen it--just to much aggravation otherwise.

See though that's the kind of thing I'm talking about--my worry. I actually had to stop and think about whether or not I was going to hyphen the word soul-less. There I did it again. Why am I such a worrier???

Geez Louise. There are way better things to minge over in this world.

But I digress...Must make it a habit of writing this blog. What blog? It's just a bunch of senseless writing. Words on a page that have no meaning outside the complexity of this mind I'm inhabiting. Earthlings beware.

Had to do it....I am out of my fucking mind. Wasn't going to write fucking...but what the fuck....FUCK..FUCK...FUCK....THERE.

this is just as bad as Denis Leary. And why the fuck does he spell his name with one N. hunh???
wtf is that all about. Are you so friggin special......wait a minute...this is Denis Leary I'm about to take on.....


i'm such a pussy.

WTF????

Did you ever have just "one-of-those days?"

The thing is it didn't start out that way. I spent the first part of the morning washing clothes and cleaning house--a little. Then I spent the afternoon with my niece at the playground. Kudo's to the park Director for the the sandbox!

Then we came back home and had lunch. I dropped her off at my Mom's house and headed back home. All well and good.

So, I'm checking my email and a very important message came through; one I had been waiting for with "baited" breath. Is that even the correct spelling and usage?

I digress.

The email was from a Director I auditioned for and received a callback from for, TITUS ANDRONICUS.

Now I have been dying to do this show for the longest time.
Of course I'm thinking it must be destiny.

I initially read for "Aaron." The one and only role for a person of color. The Director was impressed or so I thought because I ended up getting a callback.

I put myself in "theatre mode."
I read the play...again. I watched the movie--the Julie Tamor version---INCREDIBLE!
I studied my sides again and again. I ended up receiving sides for two other roles---so, I'm thinking, okay--non-traditional casting. Good for you Mr. Director.

I read with three different actresses. Three different roles. The Director practically "shot-a-load" in his pants from my audtion. HE WAS GUSHING!

Then he made a comment, "You were wonderful in Master Harold and the boys." (i did the show back in 2007 for another theatre company.)

"Where have you been since then?"

DAMN!!!

Now the thing about this question is that it pisses me off....ROYALLY!!!
It's highly insensitive and invasive.

Here's the dilemma....telling a potential employer, casting director, director or ANYONE you've just met that you are HIV+ ain't a cool or easy thing. And trying to explain all that goes along with that diagnosis is even more difficult.

Depression, Night Sweats, Anxiety, Isolation...to name just a few. These aren't the kinds of things people want to hear when they are trying to hire someone.

"Hi, I'm James. I'm going to do a monologue from (insert play) and by the way, I've been HIV+ for 20years."

wtf??

come on people. USE YOUR FRIGGIN HEADS. THINK!


All during the audition I'm thinking he likes me. Likes my work. He's going to hire me.

Obviously, you know what happened.

I ended up not being cast. WTF?

This may sound very paranoid but I think I was the victim of gossip.

I've performed on stage with 100 degree fevers. HIV- related Fevers. People always assumed I was nursing some hangover or something else possibly.

I would do what I needed to do onstage and whenever I was off I'd sit backstage wiping sweat from my brows and guzzling as much water as possible.

I don't know--maybe I am paranoid.

It was an incredible audition. I just don't understand.

Don't get me wrong. I've auditioned and not been cast and been okay with the decision.
What's interesting to me is that I can go to New York and get cast in a heart beat. I just can't afford the move. I no spring chicken so the things I used to do, ie: crashing on the floor, sleeping on a couch that sinks.....I'm to old now. No way.

Philadelphia Theatre is incredibly biased. that's all I can think of...it's got to be.