New Beginnings....

FINALLY...putting my OWN work together....I'm challenging myself....2012 will be my year!!!!!

The love of God fills my heart. God is my wise and loving friend.

Remember that you can trust life to give you the courage that is required to do anything or face anything. Giving up is not an option.

Today is a great day to be alive so make life work for U today. rwc-

We and our senses are meters of the truth. Weigh and balance the knowledge with a clear mind and heart. The Truth isn't as well disguised as they think.....

Love is patient, Love is kind....

He is a wise man who does not grieve for things which he has not, but rejoices in those which he has.....Epictetus

You never know how STRONG you are UNTIL being STRONG is the ONLY choice you have.....

Imagine the example you could be setting for folks who are truly afraid to come out. Two confident, successful, Men of Color. Focused on the "future of things." Breaking the stereotypes. Truly RE-defining what it means to be a Gay Man of Color. BEING the change you profess to want in this World. Step out of your comfort zone. Let the World know you exist and you are not ashamed. Widen that Circle, and keep it secret no longer. Live fully and honestly and openly. Your Brotha's and Sista's, by blood or not, your Mentors and Advisors, if they truly believe in you, WILL BE THERE. Trust and BE FREE. That truly is my only wish and Well may you be.

It is a wise father that knows his own child. - William Shakespeare

why???

Im focusing on me now JD. THERE IS NO PLACE FOR YOU IN MY LIFE. not for you, not for LEC2. my life is open and free. And DL is not a part of it. how easy it wouldve been if you just said, we dont want people to know....see, i can respect that....but to fuck with my head...and then try to make me look like an ass.... Within one breath, he went from, "no, were just friends. And if we were seeing each other, it wouldnt be any of my business...TO, JACK is my man." What saddens me is, I was thrown under a bus, to protect an image....hmpf, WELCOME TO HOLLYWOOD!

Did you EVER think twice??

Did you listen to the pleas of the beautiful black Goddess, who swore no "forgiveness" if something should happen to me? Did you ever, think twice?

Or was it all for him, and his "inexperienced psychology", oh wait, he's not even licensed....

Do You and you're Man, go to church together?
Is he holding your hand as you walk down the street?

Was he there when plans were made to "boycott" a birthday?

Was it his, or was it your's, a fact still unknown?

If you're content to simply be yourself, your life will count for plenty.

Alrighty then......who took the HEAT??? who stole the warmth?? NOWS IM MAD!!!! Nipples all PERKY N SH#T.......

Big SHOUT OUT to the Preparatory High School of Mathematics, Sciences, Technology and Careers........You made me very happy today! - Cheers and Congrats.

I'll change my life,
I'll find a way,
Nothing is gonna stop, me, now.

Future Plans....

I wasn't sure what to title this piece. I settled for "Future Plans" because I felt that summed up the essence of what I'm feeling right now.
It wasn't until quite recently, within the last two months to be more precise, that I began to plan for the future. Set goals, make plans...simple things that are done every day, at masterful levels by some I might add--but to really understand what I'm talking about---come on Tolbert, speed it up---lol.
I like throwing in bizarre, out of context, or weird "dialogue" that brings you into my World. I'm such a tease...lol.
Anyway, when every fiber of your being tells you one thing, more than once, and if it's in conflict with what you are told, or with what you "observe," you start to question yourself. Am I losing my mind? Am I making a "mountain out of mole hill?" ...I think you get the point.

The answer is no. Those 'feelings" or "instincts" are our inner bells, warning us...."something ain't right."

I've started to listen to those bells. Bells I didn't trust, or better yet, refused to trust because I was being told one thing or another, and "their" version had to be the truth because of who "they" are....but truth is often bent and re-shaped for another persons needs.....*sigh*.....
In the long run...it doesn't matter. Even if what I'm feeling, feels like I've been thrown under a bus and left for vultures to pick and consume....it just doesn't matter.

I have to do what's best for ME. And me alone. And if that means cutting people out of my life, then that's what it has to be.....
I wish you well and I will send you good thoughts. I "f" you. "F" for forgive,....I forgive you but I will never forget.
I won't be whole for a while....but for now, I'm good. And that's not a bad place to be....I go forth knowing that I am blessed to be where I am...but most importantly, WHO I AM.
A man full of love, an open heart and a strong soul.

Some tough decisions are going to made soon......and again, it's for the better.

An Un-Infected Dream

I was once on this "get together." Date just isn't the right word...but after we had coffee and "tapas" and a drink, we returned to his car and while waiting for the car to warm up...I turned to him and said, "I'm going to kiss you now." Y'know, taking the bull by the horn, being pro-active. Well, if you could've seen the reaction on his face. His eyeballs grew so large I thought they were going to fall out. Then without even looking me in the eye, he said, "I think that would be...inappropriate."

INAPPROPRIATE???

What the fuck? Who says that??? A teacher to a student maybe...a normal reaction would be, "I'm not feeling that"...or "I'm not attracted to you.."....ANYTHING would've been better than, "inappropriate."

Do you realize how dirty I felt after that??
Unfortunately, it's something that still plays in my head. Not often, but often enough.
I haven't been able to let that go as of yet. Maybe, now I can....write Black Man, write.

The whole "dating" thing is a mystery. Single at 45. It's not the end of the World I know, but still, come on man....and self pleasuring is just a necessity every so often. It really doesn't have the same "OMG" as the two person version.
It's not about busting a nut...not now. In my 20's, fuck yeah. As much and as often as possible. I was always good "fuck" material. American, German, British, Australian. Black, White, Puerto Rican. Dutch. Even female at one point....a looooooong time ago. And if they had a husband/boyfriend that was into it...even better. Although, if there was a male with a female and we were all together....you better believe my attention was on him--but don't worry, she got the "good" stuff'in too...lol. I'm terrible. :)

---A Fuck Buddy. Weekend hookup....always the brides-maid and never the bride.

I have this fantasy--My Wedding Day: ...In a secluded meadow in the woods we are surrounded by beautiful, lush green trees. On the border of a lake with small isolated islands in the distance. I and my "partner for life" are dressed in off-white linen. We are surrounded by family and friends. There are birds in the background, cheerfully singing. A light breeze is in the air. We are happy. We look at each other, knowing we both have been searching for the other all our lives. Our hands embrace and we know we are one. Nothing can separate us. Words can never fully convey what our touch can do for each other. We are complete opposites in almost everything, but there's a mutual respect for who we are individually and an unflinching desire to be with each other for the rest of our natural lives. When we look into each others eyes, no words need explain, nor can explain, what we feel for each other. The person presiding over our nuptials says the words that will ceremonially bind us together. We kiss to seal the bond. And even though we have kissed many times, he still makes me weak at the knees. We embrace and kiss again. And again. And then, spurred on by the guests, we kiss again. Tears flow down our eyes and he kisses each one as they land on my cheek. I gladly return the gesture with an unbounded pride. This is MY man. I am his man. We have commited ourselves to each other and it is blessed and pure and beautiful. Instead of gifts we plant trees and flowers. We picnic with our family and friends and guests through early evening. Everyone is full of joy. One day maybe, not exactly as I've written, but he's out there, and we'll find each other. One day.....I feel it. I know it. And I can't wait to meet him......patience is the virtue and time the provider. All I can do, is make sure I'm ready.....and when I'm ready.....it's going to be fantastic.

May God give you eyes to see beauty only the heart can understand.

Be the light you are...
Let your light shine through
Like a beacon in the night
Bedazzle in the day

Let your light shine through
The confusion of the world
Be the example of love
And gratitude
Even when your heart is heavy

Let go of your fears
Even if some tears will be shed
A destiny awaits
Get out of your head
.....Free your mind, and the rest will follow.

...Chill, I got this!!

You're my band-aid,
You're my vitamin E,
You're my Cocoa Butter,
Smooth and Sweet.

In a blink, you are there,
A reluctant Hero...

The Whites of your eyes,
Pulling me in....
You are in my head...
Every month and especially on Sunday.

You are my heart,
You are my inspiration,
My Muse so fine.

I feel your presence,
Even when you're not near.
My heart beats strong,
From a mere thought of you...

You're strength is solid,
And I feel you holding me....wow,
And you're miles away.

You're space is inviting,
And I know....

There's a walk I have to take,
A path has been laid,
And I must walk it alone.

I'm not afraid...

...One day, with clear blue skies,
Our paths will cross,
And we'll smile and embrace
With a friendship solidified,
From one hell of a Rollercoaster ride.
xoxo

6:01 pm EST,.....

Rapture: 1. the state of being carried away with joy, love, etc; ecstasy. 2. an expression of great joy, pleasure, etc. 3. a carrying away or being carried away in body, spirit.

....Where is the "fire and brimstone," we've all been led to believe was coming? The End of Days??

    Maybe, just maybe, "the Rapture" isn't about the "destruction" of a species or planet. Maybe it's much simpler and healthier; maybe it's just a simple.."change in thought." Instead of the negative, something terrible is going to happen,...we are sinners and will be punished, maybe it's about embracing the life we have and placing our energy into the Joy of Living and Loving each other. Supporting each other regardless of color, creed, sexual orientation, economic status, etc.
Maybe, the "Rapture" is feeling the connectiveness of each one of us. The similarities we share as opposed to the apparent differences, ie: "I am black. You are white. So??" I am Gay. You are Straight. You are Bi-Sexual. You are Questioning. Short, Tall, Thin, Heavy, (As an overweight kid, I "loathed" the word "Fat." See, I didn't use the "hate" word....CHANGE OF THOUGHT! How we affect and effect each other's lives, no matter the distance. No matter the language. No matter our differences. I'm embracing the Rapture of Life. I am experiencing a "great joy".....that's my Rapture. I wish the same for you all. xoxoxoxoxo

Well, the Cat is out of the Bag!!
.....I will never doubt myself again. At least NOW I know who is in my corner. Cheers

My Personal Story of Late.....

  My "Outlook"on life has forever been changed. In the last few weeks I have experienced the beginnings of transformation as a person, man and human being. Most of my friends know that I have been experiencing some "stress" lately and many know that I tried to end my life three weekends ago. Truth be told it wasn't the first time. Twice before, in my short, yet troubled life, I tried to commit suicide. Once in high school, I took a bottle of Aspirin. Yes, Aspirin. I won't mention the company name, don't need or want any "dismiss and decease orders, or whatever they do to protect their images. (There's some humour in there...somewhere) The only thing that happened was --I fell asleep and woke up the next morning. DAMN!! (it's called "dark comedy"--don't mean to offend anyone---*insider* "The Bridge Club..now that's the humour they were looking for...)
The second was years later, after I returned home to Philadelphia with a secret. I was diagnosed with HIV in 1991.
In 1994, I returned to the U.S., with the knowledge and "mindset"-- that I was "terminally ill."
It was the early years of the virus and people were dropping left and right. Selling off their insurance policies, jumping off of tall buildings in single bounds---no references what-so-EVER!!!! Although, oddly, the actor who played in the original series of Superman, from the 1950's attempted and succeeded, a major loss.

......I didn't inform my family about my illness. No one knew until 1997, when after a binge of partying, copious amounts of Ecstasy and Crystal Meth, I came back to the apartment I rented in Center City and slit my wrist. I was lucky, a friend found me, took me to the emergency room, from where I was admitted to a facility, basically to detox and clear my head. Went into therapy, thought I was okay and went about life as I thought and  knew it to be--

  This third, and for the record, THE LAST, is still somewhat of a mystery.
I've spoken to quite a few folks, my Mom and family, friends, the doctors from the hospital where I was admitted, the therapists, and even other patients who were admitted for various other reasons...How did I get into this funk? I dont' know.

What's shocking is that I was drug and alcohol free!!!!
 The only thing in my system were the prescription meds I had taken to "drift off" after I had taken a razor blade to my wrists. Doing it the way I thought would allow the most "drainage"--if you will--in a bathtub. Again, lucky-- I was found-- to the horror of my sister. We've talked and OUR relationship is stronger, but it will be a long time before the memory of what I put her through will be just that--a memory. She's forgiven me but the process really must start with me--and me alone. Funny, I always isolated myself, I guess because I didn't want to face myself. But now, I needed to look in that mirror and tell myself something, I forgive you. I love you.

  I am forgiving myself. And honestly, it's not that hard. I just had to make a switch---and it clicked, for me.
I realized that the ENERGY and WILL that it took for me to do what I did--could be, AND IS, the same ENERGY and WILL that can bring me to the other side, and give me what I want from this life.

I am Recovering from the shame and embarrasment. Forgiving myself for the pain that I brought to my family and friends and extended families and worldwide friends.
I understand that many of the people in my life are angry. And there may be more in the coming weeks, and that's okay. I understand and I WILL listen, when and if they want to talk and express their feelings.

    Around this time, three weeks ago, I was in my bedroom, curled up in the fetal position, crying. By the early dawn on Easter Sunday morning, I was in my bathtub, frenzied, lost, and under the darkest cloud I've ever experienced. The meds, I purposelyfully and willfully took to aid me in my attempt made me drowsy--(sidebar: Part of recovery for me is accepting responsiblilty--part of the forgiveness process)--

....and after I--with a purpose and will that came from I do not know where,-- had finished laying the ground work for my blood to leave my body. (Again, trying to be respectful to peoples personal experiences..)
My hands were in the water underneath my body.
It's insane I know---but from my diagnosis of Depression (by naming it, I take away it's power OVER me--thnxs J.K.R) --see, humour is possible *insider* The Bridge C...:P
.....In those moments before I was found...I was...gone. I--was replaced by this dark, gloomy, desolate man, determined to........end it.

 Here's a somewhat morbid thought I had...."statiscally" speaking, men who attempt Sui Cide use razors, women who attempt take pills..."statistically" women succeed......makes you think, whose "resolve" is greater--odd way of saying, "I admire the strength of Women."
  The exception to these "facts" may be, as I've recently learned, with the folks who make their way to the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco, and jump. I admire anyone---bear with me--with the WILL to climb XX number of heights, and jump to their death. What I've decided to do is reverse it...change the WILL, change the Man, Person, Human Being.
  Which brings me to the real purpose of this piece....to be blunt and forthcoming about Depression. To be honest and open about my actions of late and to accept responsibility for the affects//effects of that choice.
  To offer my story, as an example of finding your "KEY" to unlock whatever it is putting you at "dis-ease", if anything at all, ...the energy and will is there, just make it work for you. You can lift yourself up and out of whatever is bringing you "dis-ease."

  I am in a good place now and I know my road to a full recovery is a bit down ways.

I am afraid to forget but I am willing to forgive.
I must.
But part of me doesn't want to forget....a reminder and a way to look for signs in others.
Thnxs. xo

The Longest Short Story, EVER!!!

It was a dark and stormy night. Drops of rain were running down the "vintage" papered walls and there was an eerie chill in the air. Lights flickered through the frosty windows. She sat in silence curled up in front of the fireplace holding an old sweater, watching the flames perform an acrobatic ballet. The soft frayed cotton massaged her fingertips. It felt so painfully familiar. She held it tight, pressing it against her cheek. She could still smell him in the fabric. She didn't dare wash it for fear of rinsing his scent away. It was all she had left of him. Trembling, she sighed brokenly. Though alone, she knew she was not. She peered down at the lining of the sweater, initals were sewn onto its pocket- a tip of paper peeked out - In desperate shock, she took the small, folded parchment out. A NOTE, concealed within. Unfurling the paper, she noted the handwriting-it was unmistakable... "I love you," it read. "But I cannot fathom a life in which we are together. Our past corrupts our future, I am sure and even though I know you disagree, I am certain that if I stay, I will loose myself and that I cannot do." She paused, and in that split second she realized that she was utterly and completely alone. She took a breath as if to remind herself that she was here, but now, what?




There were other "things" around the crowded room that reminded her of him, "to many memories," she thought. As she turned to head out of the room, she noticed something glistening in the far corner. "This attic is a mess," she said. As she walked over to investigate, she realized it was a piece of jewelry, a chain of some sort, peeking from out of a small box, as if calling her over..she held it in her hand. It was much heavier than she expected. It didn't feel like any metal that she was familiar with. She place the chain around her neck and she continued to explore until she came to an old metallic brief case. It was... locked. She put in several combinations trying to open it. His birthday? No. Her birthday? No. Their anniversary? No. The day their son died? No. Then she looked at the chain and the little pendant on the end. It had numbers engraved on the back: 0-5-6-9-2. She put the combination in the lock and the breifcase clicked open. She couldn't believe what she was now looking at. He mind struggled to make sense of it. She pulled out a very large handgun and several passports with his face on it. Each passport had a different alias.



Underneath the passport was a very large sum of neatly stacked 100 dollar bills and a very sharp knife. "My God." she whispered to herself. "Who are you?" Suddenly, she was flooded with memories - vividly, she recalled the first time they had ever locked eyes in a smokey bar in Instanbul, shortly after the war... the mysterious bruises and scars he would come home with. She knew how secretive he could be but she just assumed he was very private. He was never neglectful to her. But she could always feel there was something he wasn't telling her. The weird stains on his shirts that never came out, and that clown costume she found stuffed under the bed,..it was all adding up- He was a spy. But where...when- HOW? Maybe the dog knew even more than she- what about the home security tapes? Should she DARE peruse the dark truth?? "Why had he chosen this life?" she thought. Was there more about his past that she didn't know? And why was it more important than her? What Mildred didn't know was that he didn't choose this life. Bart, as Mldred knew him, aka Mathew, aka Francis, aka Victor, aka Francois, had been pullled into a world wide web of intrigue when he was but 18. He parents, having died in a mysterious accident, a week before, relatives he never new about called on him to help him in his time of grief. These "relatives", though, had ulterior motives. And, strangest of all, they all wore purple berets and shoes. Purple berets and shoes because purple was the new black! It appeared that these people had some kind of control over Bart and were manipulating him but the interesting thing was, is that whenever he mentioned them to anyone, no one had ever seen or heard of them. Being in such a vunerable state having lost his parents, he was extremely influenced and therefore began to wonder if these people were all in his imagination. Or, could it honestly be, a dream within a dream? That still didn't account for the missing times and days in his life either- and that clown costume,,...or the weird buzzing in his head,. She collapsed on to the dusty, damp floor, with her legs sprawled infront of her and then leant backwards and gazed out at the moon through a crack in the attic roof. She took a deep breath in as she felt utterly alone and lost once more. Suddenly, whilst gazing at the moon....she heard whispers in the dark. She held her breath to concentrate better, to focus on the sounds. She closed her eyes and tried to use her gift.



The "Gift," a legacy that has been passed down to the first born child of her family. Not all were able to control these powers in her family. She flashed back to when she was a child in her Nana's care. Her mother died because of it. Lost her mind. Nana said that she had taken it for granted. Didn't respect it. And it destroyed her. Mildred then began to expand her awareness, the feeling was incredible. Like floating on a cloud. She had never called upon her powers so quicly, and the rush of energy flowing through her was alomost unberarable. She took another breath and finally let go...suddenly the whole room began to spin. The settled dust was no longer settled and created a mass of fog which was unberabled to breathe in. The gentle rain outside turned in to torrential rain and she dragged herself up from the ground awkwardly, spluttering and coughing but completely fearless of what she had created for the first time....a portal. She knew how dangerous this was from the stories her Nana told her. But she also knew this was the only way to find the truth. Who is Bart? Why did he leave? She gathered a few belongings and made sure to grab her grandmother...'s talisman. If things didn't work out, she would have to use the talisman to get back. At the last minute and before stepped through the circling mass of energy, she saw a Purple Beret, "that wasn't there before," she said. But she didn't have time to analyze....and with one breath and one jump, she was gone. Bart was an artistic type, with tall, dark, handsome features but with a mystery about him, almost meloncholy air but nothing sinister.



Mildred had seen him a few times at the local shop and was intrigued by him when she first set eyes on him....a moment in time she was about to witness. Mildred found herself back in that smoky bar in Istanbul and she realized that the lovely young girl sitting at the table in the far corner was strangely familiar. Quickly she moved to one of the dark-er corners of the bar to observe what she already knew....she had somehow transversed more than continents. She had, in fact, stepped into that portal and traveled back in time. But how was this possible? Could that young girl really be...a man? But no, it couldn't be, "me....as a MAN??!!" The very thought suddenly sent chills up her spine. Where was she? She had no twin brother......or did she? Confusion set in and she sat back into the hard wooden chair to catch her breath. WHERE AM I... ????? WHERE....???? A hunched back waiter came over to her... and gave her an envelope. "It's from the gentleman at the bar." He whispered to her. She stopped. Almost frozen and turned to the bar. She couldn't believe her eyes. Instinct, gut reaction, she didn't know which, but her hands had covered her mouth just as she had said his name, "Bart!" Her legs began to tremble as she tried to stand. "Easy girl," she thought. This was happening, she wasn't dreaming and she would finally have the answers she so desparately needed. But what about that envelope...? Dare she open it? What would it reveal? What could the contents possibly be? And, was she really ready to know all that it contained? She sensed fear, and yet, curiosity. she had waited so long. she clenched it tight, torn between what she would find...she looked at the envelope and saw something that struck fear into the deepest cord of her soul. She broke into a cold sweat at the name written into the return address corner. She knew there was nothing she could do to escape her sworn ene...my. She read the name in the upper right hand corner: Sallie Mae. Somehow, her student loans had tracked her to Istanbul.



What most people didn't know is that Sallie Mae was actually short for Salvator Maezagotti from the South Philly Italian mafia. She walked over Bart. Her hands shaking and said..."What's a guy like you doing in a place like this?," said Mildred. As the man she knew as Bart turned, there was something different about him, and yet familiar. He turned and looked at her and said, "Do I know you Madame?" Mildred's knees began to buckle. When Mildred opened her eyes again, she was in a sitting room of exotic decor. Turkish pillows strewn about the floor. Moorish lamps illuminated the space. She blinked her eyes trying to clear her mind, trying to figure out how she got here. And she remembered, Bart...the bar....she stood up quickly and started for the door when it opened before she could reach it. "I couldn't have you recognize me there" Bart said with a sad voice, "Not with everyone around, the stench, the smoke, the flies in the food-no, it had to be here, and here alone,...Mildred,...my dear love,...is the purple beret that i have always carried with me to remember you by...i know, you think it can't be, but it is, and there's so much more that you should know......with bated breath she listened...transfixed...unwilling and unable to divert her eyes from his. Neither blinked for what seemed like minutes. Then he says with great gravity and gentle care, "We are from another time,...and I've been allowed to come back and try to explain things to you. You have a part to play in all this, Unfortunatley, I can't tell you --everythin',-- some you will have to learn on you're own---but I can tell you this, you've already done this and you know all you need to know, now, it's time to find out, why?" As Mildred listened intently, she couldn't help feelin', the truth of the matter. Somewhere inside of her she knew what he was sayin' was the truth, but Metaphysics wasn't her specialty in University...all she could do was...sit and ponder....and sit, and wait, and think. she kicked back another shot of cuervo, and then...the room began to spin. She quickly held onto the edge of the bar for balance. She turned to Bart for help, but he only stared back at her; as she began to lose consciousness, the only thing she could hear were his last words, "it's time."



Mildred's eyes fluttered, watery and fuzzy- she couldn't make out where she was yet- but the face in front of her now was very familiar to her,....and it wasn't Barts. It was a clown in a purple barret...Mildred's lover from high school who was even then the class clown and now he wanted to renew their friendship. But there was something in his eyes she noticed, something lost, gone...."trust," she thought she heard him say, "lies,"....."you lied to mmeeeeeeeeeee. I put my trust in you..," he said. "You took my vulnerability, my hurt, my pain and made a mockery of it.....a mockery....! You stomped on the heart that would've followed you in the pits of hell, only with a word."you listened on the side of a lustful bed mate. I know the truth of who you really are, were, and will be....you see, I was you.....I was you." And with that he disappeared and was never seen again. Mildred sat stunned, unable to breath. "How...," she thought. With a sudden flash, he was back, "OH...and another thing, "Cooooooock a Doodle Dooooooooooooooo." And in a flash, he was gone again! Mildred's senses began to hum, she could feel the energy building around her, suddenly her hands began to tingle. She raised her hands slowly, and looked down, they were glowing. She turned them over and in the palm of each hand was a symbol. "Alpha...and Omega," she thought. But what could they mean, what could they mean? Shaking and sweating, her toes felt something wet and slippery undernieth them- sand...wet sand with seawater lapping at her feet- she was standing in the middle of a beach at sunset, the sky aglow with orange and pink....and she was wearing a gold lame' suit that shone with rhinestones ......a figure was approaching in the distance-.the brightness of the Sunset blinded her or was it, "no, it couldn't be," she said. She realized the blinding light was coming from the figure approaching. As it came closer, the light began to diminish as if closing, like a door....."...a portal." But this wasn't like any of the "portals" she had created in her practice sessions. She could feel the energy emanating, embracing her the closer it came. Softly and without a single hesitation, she began chanting a Prayer of Protection... "I am a Child of the Light// Each day and each night// Protected I am// through HER precious might//..... she had been usd to the effects of such Energy before, it was built up during the sessions back home. Carefully, slowly, but this was different, calling upon IT so quickly had it's consequences no mildred...don't go in the light! stay awaaaaay from the light! Meanwhile, back in Istanbul, Bart was frozen speechless. His eyes began to blink, slowly he was beginning to remember the events of the evening. He looked around, but, where was Mildred? Then suddenly, he saw a small bubble like thing coming toward him in the sky from far away...closer and closer it came, and he hoped with all his heart...YESSS!!!! it was a beauty in a tiara, and pale blue ball gown..yesss..as he had hoped...it was kristin chenowith! He quickly grabbed the first thing he could, gaffers tape. In the blink of an eye, he raced towards her and said, "NO SHOWTUNESSSSSSS," and proceeded to make sure no sound could escape. He then thought, "I have been looking to do something else." He backed up to sit down. Behind him was a creaky old rocking chair, "that's odd," he thought. "That wasn't there before," and the small silver Yorkie wagging its tail at them both,..that wasn't their dog,at all. They had a rotweiler....suddenly, there was an extremely high pitched sound, like a high e above c, and the bubble like thing burst open to reveal the tiniest blonde in heals...but why was she carrying a septor, and wearing a tiara? the yorkie was baffled, but sensed trouble, and immediately backed away, and bumped into the chair. Bart and the Yorkie both exchanged looks, as if to say, "huh?" The beautiful woman with a Sceptor made of Oak and a Tiara made of Elderberry smiled and said, "can I have a glass of water?" Little did they both know, water was the ONLY thing that kept her alive, "Waterrr,..she whispered, melodiously, as if a sprinkle of rainbow puffed out of her mouth. " Waterrrrr." Bart ran behind the dust covered bar, only to find the Bartender lying face down in a pool of Bloody Mary Mix--there were Olives outlining his small framed body. He tried to find a "clean" glass...but they seemed to be all covered in lipstick stains. There was also a full tip jar on the counter...overflowing with bills...and the piano played....a familiar tune. Bart closed his eyes, took a breath and exhaled.



Memories began to flood his mind. Faster and faster, memory after memory, experiences and regrets. When finally, somewhere deep within in him, with a surge of climatic proportions, he opened his mouth and sang, "AND IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII"...am telllllllin' you...IIIIIIIIII'M NOT GOIN'..." it was only when he had reached the lyric "you're the best man i've ever known; there's no way i could ever, ever go" that she began to realize...Bart was never whom he had seemed to be, and now she knew why he left, and just what he was after. It ALL began to become clear and make sense.



"But what about the Turtle?" he thought. And with THAT Bart turned and started to leave, when in the corner of his eye, on the far end of the bar, there glistening under the light, was a shimmering Red Rose, lying across a small envelope. "I didn't notice that before," he said. Before he knew it, he had glided across the room. He picked up the Rose, it's velvet smooth petals sent shivers through him, electrifying him, "charging' his spirit. He could now see, written on the envelope was his name, "Bart." Written with such a grace, in it's penmanship. Almost, lyrical. He opened it and unfolded the note. With a deep breath he began to read. And with each breath after, he became consumed by the note. Charged and mesmerized. He welcomed the Grace and closed his eyes and with that said, "that was fun." Mildred, by now, KNEW, with all of her heart that Bart was a changed man, but he was never going to be hers....the happiness on his face, from the info the letter contained had said it all...and that was what he had been waiting for, for quite some time.

THE END

..this story was the collaboration of a group of friends I have on Facebook. If you are interested in joining, look us up on Facebook, The Longest Short Story, EVER!!!!

What is...RECOVERY??

I've been thinking about this a lot lately and have come to this realization, it was inspired by something I read recently and this is what I've come to understand......

Regardless of whether it is from physical or mental abuse, drug or alcohol addiction, depression, HIV, Cancer, Illness--Any disease that keeps you from living a full and joy-filled lfe is "Dis-Ease." Therefore, the meaning of "RECOVERY" is very clear and simple, "it is remembering who we are throughout the darkness and "BECOMING" who we were meant to be."
The key is talking and opening up. Reaching out.
Reach out to family, friends, clergy, doctors, therapists, groups, "1 800 Hotlines"--it doesn't matter, someone, somewhere will listen and be there for you. It's a journey. Just depends on how you look at it.
For me, My ship has finally come in...this is offered to any and all who find themselves searching and asking questions and looking for answers and are not sure where or whom to turn to.....xoxo

Okay, Now I Get It!!!

So, this dream I had last night is still fresh in my mind and I think I'm beginning to understand....bear with me folks.


.....I haven't auditioned for a musical for a very long time and here's what the reason is.....
   I went to Europe with a production of the musical "HAIR" back in 1988/89. While over there I auditioned and was cast in the German production of Starlight Express.
Now, this production was under the direction of the original production team and their successors. These were and are still some of the top people in the business and the some of the major players and creative forces behind very successful West End Productions.
For me, it was a career HIGH!!
In '91, while doing Starlight, I rec'd my HIV diagnosis.
After that, EVERY show I was cast in was a constant reminder of that period of time. Of that day and of that afternoon meeting with the Doctors.
I lost my JOY for the Art.
I lost my JOY for singing.
I mean, truth be told, I had aLOT of work to do, to become a better singer, or better yet, a "good actor who can carry a tune"---insider (thank you Katie Green for that wonderful phrase)
But "Singing", which at the time I was doing in "musicals", left such a bad taste and feeling with me.
Don't get me wrong, I tried to "keep moving" and plugging in to what my job was...did other shows, but the "JOY" and FUN of musicals just wasn't there anymore, because of that day,
my "Will" or "Joy" was taken........
....but last week, I auditioned for a wrkshp production, don't even know the name, I just did it off the cuff.
After the events of the last few weeks, I needed to do something...just for me.
I was desparate to re-CLAIM that part of me....and I have...
After that auditon, which by the way, I PISSED all over that damn studio....NAILED the song..."mr. Cellophane" from Chicago...many of you, who know me, know the history of that show and that song with me....., asked me to read from the script for two characters....and smiled and shook my hand and made small talk with me after....
Since then, after I walked out of the building and headed home...I walked taller. Stronger. I've been happier than I have in a long time. And I really think that was the key for me. Making that connection. Wow. Very Cool. xoxo

Das Kraft und Licht auf Mir: In the Light of Truth.......

"Take back those glances // Professional? Maybe, oh sure, yeah. whatever // Erase the past, please // Any memory, oh yeah // Of me, in your Life // A Dream to See // To no Fruition // It just can't B //
~ JCT3
~ ahhhhhhhhhhh---Herr Curtis Rider, (du bist der "Trojan Horse")--YOU were the Trojan Horse.

WOW.....wow.....the puzzle has been completed. :P

ER...ist sehr gut, ja-Er ist. Das Licht ist sehr gut.
Wirklich unglaublich....

Meine Liebe fur dich war...Infinite.

"Es gibt ein Licht ganz am ende des Tunnels." ~ Poppa, aus dem Starlight Express.

Es gibt einen grossen, schwartzen, schwanz, wer liebe Greek essen,....Wundershun!! Wunderbar!!!
Ich wunsche fur dich ganz....happiness.
Er habt meinen Herz, nicht mere. Und das ist, "okay."

Ich bin JETZT frei.

Herzlich und Gluckwunsch zu dir. Aber diesen Zug ist KAPUT!!! GANZ KAPUT! :)
........Hast du mir gehort!!!!

ES IST JETZT DABEI!!!
Es ist jetzt FORBEI!!!

Alles Klar meinen Deutsche Leuten und alle dem das kommen aus Europa,..oder Sie das hat verstehen!
Habt ich verstehen?

Aber doch meine liebchen. rflol.

Ich machen prakticum nur auf meinen deutche sprache-- oder, zu sagen, das dabei, meinen "denglish" sprachen zu prakticum. lol.

Ich hoffe....lol.
"Wie geil ist DAS denn!!!"
XOXOXOXO
--- Ja, es ist sehr teif meine freunden. smdh. Sehr teif.
Ich bin der Kraft!!! Das zug Kraft.
bedanke mich,
James Tolbert
xo



Untitled

Did you ever have the sinking feeling that you are on the verge of a major breakthrough.
That the next 3 steps are going to lead you down a corridor that you're not quite sure of....I know what you're thinking...what's with all the cryptic.
Patience my pretties....all good things in time and in their rightful place....whatever the hell that means. Oh look, sarcasm, you can't write that.....HA.
Anyway, I wish I could show people the "entire" picture. From the very beginning of a "scripts" inception to the very last adlib, brought to fruition, in a time of "trying to pick up their feet, being left behind like the SHIT in a public restroom. Damn, that's fabulous imagery.
Oh, what to do??? What to do??
It amazes me how "clever" some men think they are....how "devious". They really don't know the Game, the Rules or the Masters of this "realm".
Ah, you're still wondering "what the fuck is he talking about???"
Stay tuned readers......it's going to be a bestseller. Fo sho'.
There's a faction of our society that practices deciet, or at least they try to...drawing from past attempts at keeping truth's hidden......we'll draw from life to create Art. Art that moves and shakes at our very core. Words delivered from the quivering lips of an Anarchist. A fighter against the system. The enemy of mediocrity and conformity.
I find myself lost. I feel for the man-child. Torn I am....for I understand his fear. What I can never understand is his superficiality. His desire to be part of the status quo. Especially after such exhausting conversations on the strength of his convictions. The Manor of his care.....hmmm, I think I've exhausted this topic. It's at a stand-still for me, at this moment.
But...there are other ways of telling a story. There's a mastepiece in the making and I can only tell it....for only I can see the meaning. The Art of "Reading" a person isn't an exact science. It's practice. It's a process of elimination. Of throwing out the covers to see what's truly underneath the sheets.
.....All he ever wanted was to live his life. HIS LIFE!
To follow the dreams that were drawn in the clouds of blue, Saturday skies. Early morning daydreaming as the clock ticked down the minutes of his daily routine. His eyes shifted back and forth, focusing on nothing, wondering, "why?" Always, "Why?" Why me? Why now? Why here?
Questions running through his mind like a leaky faucet. The kind you just sit there and watch and do nothing about......until you're forced to--because now, the leak has eroded the foundation of security surrounding your faucet. Where's the putty? Glue? Something for god's sake. Anything to keep it all in...nothing can get "leaked" out. Nothing. For that would be the greatest tradgedy of all. The flood gates would be opened and someone else would need to be called...and that can't happen, 'cause that would mean someone else knows about the "leak." Someone else knows...about the "leak." The equipment is not right. That's not normal. I'm not normal. Those are the thoughts. He knew he wasn't the first, but that didn't ease the dis-ease. Yes, Dis-ease. That's what he feels...and he will fight, fight and fight to keep it in check......unless......It's Midnight. The Darkness....protects. It conceals him. Gives him strength....temporary maybe, but for this moment in time, He is strong. He can breath now....but there are rules. It can only be here. Now. Time is of the essence. Stories must be constructed and alibi's crafted with the expertise of first year recruits....their arrogance is their tell.

Instead of giving yourself reasons why you can't, Give yourself reasons why you CAN! Anything sour can be turned SWEET!!

"INSPIRATION IS AN INFECTION THAT I GLADLY SPREAD!!" ~jct3

Who looks outside dreams, who looks inside, awakes. --Carl Jung

A Letter from GOD

Dear James,

      I have thought of you often these last days. I understand you have been in some pain of late and I am sorry for that--Why didn't you just come to me? I was hurt that you didn't feel you could trust me--USE ME, that's what I'm here for--to support YOU in every and any way I can--and you KNOW I will--always.

     You've got some work to do, we both know that, and now YOU also know that I WILL ALWAYS BE BY YOUR SIDE. My hand is always on your shoulder my son, my friend, my Spirit.
     Many Angels have called on me on your behalf--you are loved. They have prayed that I heal you, remove this DIS-EASE you have felt for so long, and I have my child, I have--and now you journey continues--it is filled with Love and Wonder and Discovery, and it is waiting to be revealed to you in due time, all I ask is that you be patient, still and listen.
     You must have Faith and you must Trust in me--I have never done anything to harm you or mislead you and that you can "bank" on--LOL.

     You were created specifically by ME with a clear purpose and a distinct uniqueness, surrounded by Brothers and Sisters Worldwide who love you just as much as I do.

      Believe ME. Use ME. Trust ME.

      I am so proud of you. You have traveled far and stood tall and strong. You have lived through your past--now it's time to--let it go.

      Enjoy TODAY and look forward to TOMORROW. I have so much more coming up for you ...(come on, did you think you were through--HA!)

      Now, like I revealed on Oprah, "Go to your Destiny."

     Always,
     GOD

P.S. I LOVE YOU--just in case you weren't sure. LOL. :)

The Rebirth of Black Fury: Rise of the Aquarian

Two little Pu'seyz's

Sittin on a Matt

Purr'in as the night goes by--

Leading to another day.

Two little Pu'seyz's

Stretching out their legs,

Tellin' camp fire stories
To Sooth their deceitful ways

Two little Pu'seyz's

Male they may be
Swapping spit for a night n trist..
Trade,
We lulled it,
Back in the day
...two little Pu'seyz's Purrin' away.

Two little Pu'seyz's
Behind closed doors
Fraternal Brotha's in the Hood
With a Kap'Pa 'n Q...

...step//step//clap//clap//stomp//stomp//jump//freeze


AWWWWWWWWWWWW......ain't.....it.......sweet.

-----AND..A 1- 2 - 3....Put a Trojan on Curtis...and get some books on those shelves....but I digress,...


Two little Pu'seyz's
Rockin' away,
It's an "Insanity!" day....
....two little Pu'seyz's...
...have gone...astray.

Strum that Violin,
Play that game,
Quote Othello,
Goddamn, this is a shame!


"See what you made me do!?"


Dear "Most Observant, most understanding, most humble, most  arrogant...Novice",

.....Right now I'm showing you'se,....How. It. Is. Done.


A Trust was broken
A Friendship dispers'd and Why???
....for a lie upon a lie upon a lie upon a lie upon a lie upon a lie upon a lie upon a lie upon a lie....

(He lifts the needle from the Phonograph and places it gently, carefully, deliberately....at the beginning)

Violin Strings begin on a "D" sharp.....downlowhomotissimmo---as it's been called by the...."Enlightened"--While sorting through a collection of North Philly All Black//Pretty Puerto Rican//29 Inch Waist Reddbonz//All Male//DownLow is the name of the Game//homespun version Parties,  leading back to the West---CC...Pee or Four.....t....."sigh"

       _________________________Dah! Fu! Wah!___________________________


       "Drowning, drowning, drowning....in the past," One said. 

"It should be used to illuminate.." the One continued..

..."Shut Up!" He, said with a smile.

...The One,

Caught off guard at such a display,

Sat back with a 'gasp,

And this is what was said....

The response came as thus,

To the two,

The "Two little Pu'seyz's" would  receive

Their "poetic" reply.......

A Poetic Reply

by Black Fury

"Oh no, My Pretty Pretty Ones...

I've been swimming all my life," he said.

The "back-stroke" being my best. 

He smiled and looked left.

  " I've risen above my "tragic" past,

North, South, East and West,

--Oh so long ago...oh, so long ago...

Oh you silly La-Dee," He said.

He turn'd to his right and continu'd...

        
"SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO," he shouted.                     
And NOW, I don't care either, cause now, I'M FREE!....bye---and bi---and by, any means necessary, from all that--dis-ease you call ..friendship." 

So, tip -toe over that glass and raise a Cup of Wine and look into that mirror again, Cause this time, the "Shame" is through your Own hands,...man-made. Forget about the Birthday Blacklisting...that was child's play compared to the bond of trust that has now been fray'd...sliced thinly, to be placed upon a surface of coal with the elements of gold and silver and the rancid piss you now spew.....I've bleed enuf?? This was almost overdue but I found my way through the piles
and piles of shit you've layered.....

.

With Love and Cheers
Brotha' JT3

p.s. "now, THAT'S how it's done, ...son.  Ummmm, is that enuf Blood?"

Lights fade out while Ray Charles sings, ..."What a Wonderful World."

                                                                              The End


----cut//check the gates!




 
 "We Must Live in the Truth."
     ~ James C. Tolbert III

 "Our Time is a most Glorious Time:"
    ~President D.L. Jackson, Ph.D, A.D.D.I.T.U.P,

 "Deny, Deny, Deny.."

    ~Curtis P. Alloveramanspain

    ~ Ex-Gay Converter/Preacher/Photographer/Writer



Man on the Verge -- a "Post in Progress..."

Take back those glances
Professional they be
Cast away the past
Any memory

Of me in your life.
A dream to see
To no fruition
It just cant be

Show me no kindness,
I will take it to far.
Flattering glances,
Makes me feel like a star.

Wishful thinking
From my lost, thick head
Carrying dreams that shouldnt be said.

Hopes of a life
Filled with joy
You, me, theres such a void

Tomorrow's another day.

Oh Mother...

How do I tell you
In just a few words
What you mean to me?

You gave me life
And still do
Although we are so far apart.

There were times
When you made me so mad
But now that I'm grown
I'm oh so glad

You taught me
To Care
To Share
To be Myself
And yet so much more

So many times
So many phases
If I'm half the parent you are
I'll be a wealthy man

So may I say with
Heartfelt joy
....thank you.

Cliffhangers......

With a joyful saunter he stepped back with glee.....

He now longed for that old rocking chair,
Next to the window,
Where he dreamt of Yesterdays
And Todays
And Tomorrow's yet to come.

There is where he sits
And smiles
And remembers those moments
They alone have shared.
For those are the moments most cared.

Somtimes I wonder what goes through your mind.
How could I hurt you?
Why would I hurt you?
No, no my friend...
My Work was not meant to be unkind.

Not sure why you panicked
At first I thought you were kidding
But then the Light died
For some reason I was drained.

It's been in my thoughts for many a day

You asked the meaning
I thought it was clear
So I sent you a laugh
With no thoughts to despair.

You sent a reply
With a laugh out loud to start
But then went Alpha
In a tone
I felt in my Heart.

I expressed my thoughts
To a point I felt delivered
As one to another
In intellectual community.

And that's where it fell,
As off a cliff,
Lost at Sea.

Love...it almost drown't.

Drown't you say,
A word it was
Meant to relieve any pain.

You've found you're way.
A justification to tip toe on glass.
No matter what you're people say....

For not to them
Must you relax
But to yourself
And that, just won't pass.

Close your eyes
And take a breath.
Feel the rhythm
Within, the beat,
That is your Heart,
It swells with each moment,
The greater of need to know
The quicker the pace it goes,
At once, and again,
Alone it waits.....
And waits.........
.....waits.......and........

 

No Mo'

This last time, like the first time,
I'll never fall in Love, no mo'.

Silly Boy I am..
To think...
...Did I...
Hmm, "In Love?," no mo'.

Like a tidal wave crashin'
There you were...
Swept my heart away, but Oh,
I'll never fall in Love, no mo'.

You're friendship has always been given
And I accept it gladly, but Oh,
I'll never fall in Love, no mo'.

Boyhood crushes, thought long past,
Always trippin' in my mind,
"You can bring such bliss.."

"No!"
"What is this?"
"Amore, Te Amo, Mi Amore..."
...always thinking on you, Bright Eyes.

No More, No Mo'...

Like the Pied Piper,
Heartfelt and Passionate.
I hear you. I feel you.
But this, I know...can't be...
So......

Trying not to stare,
You are blinding.

Silly Boi, I am.
Fool for Love, I am.
It happens all the time.
Why do fools.....???
...No Mo'.
~originally written in 2009.

When Beating Hearts Meet

After the rain, comes the Sun

Cloudless sky, Birds singing

The scent of fresh flowers in the air

And then, as if I deserved such a gift

There you were....

Standing in the mist

Shining brighter than any Star

Our eyes met

And at once we were one.

Joining together in unsurpassed Love

We gave each other

The one thing no one else could share

Or take away

Far away and yet so close

Music played

And then I realized

It was our Hearts beating

In a rhythm that could never be explained

Or repeated......

Home of the Free and the Brave....

I fight every day
In this land
My home
This U. S. of A.

Fight, fight, fight,
That's all I've known
Fight, fight, fight,
That's all I've done
Since day one.

Fightin' from the womb
To gain my freedom
Fightin', fightin,
To Walk my way

I fight every day
In this land
My home
This U. S. of A.

I defend my right
To live in this life
I defend my right
To love in this life
I defend my right
To prosper in this life

Honesty is the best policy
Scout's honor.
But a lie is what is needed
To defend this land
This home
My U. S. of A.

"Don't ask, don't tell."
How ludicrous is that...???

"ARE YOU GAY?"
"YES SIR, I AM! SIR."

How simple is that..
The Sky didn't fall
And the World didn't end
And the Earth continues to spin.

If I'm in the trenches
With my brother in arms,
If I'm bleeding from where
God only knows.

If a limb is missing
While we were in Iraq,
My thoughts to bed him
Would be kinda "whack."

If bullets are flying
Across my head.
If blood is flowing
Because of lead,
Then "don't ask, don't tell"
Won't really matter much
'Cause dead is dead,

No ifs, and's or but's.

Workin' Man Blues

Here I sit waiting for the one
Who can help fill my pockets
To fulfill my dreams
To be independent
From the needs of this material World.

Giving of myself
That special part of my being
To someone unknown
Ah yes, this will bring a friend to the door.

Shy, scared, "God let it be fast."
Embarrassed, "do I need cash that bad?"

What makes a person pay?
What makes a person accept payment?.....for such a priceless gift.
...."one never knows, do one...."

Everyone needs a little
It' not a dirty thing....sigh,
Just business as usual.

The Playlist

As I walked thru the door
With a glimmer and flair
A night of relaxation
A night of repair.

The silence was thick
The quiet so sweet
So I slipped off my shoes
And a "sigh" made it complete.

I was home
And ready for some music.

The mood was for writing
And my tools were at hand

Paper and Pen
A need and a must
A tall glass of water,
"Ooo, Jack Daniels!"
Hmm, "DON'T TOUCH!"

Candles were lit
Thoughts prepared
As vanilla scented thru the warm cozy air.

A choice to be made
between one and another
As Cantor would say,
"oh James, please, not the other.."

The "other" refers to ALL but me
A problem I've had for long actually

Decisions to be made
A choice between the two.

One will inspire me
And One will "boo-hoo"

A good cry is needed
Every now and then
But both these CD's
Can lead to that end

With one, in It's music
He appears to me
Sitting, Laughing, oh so casually.

The "Other", its songs
Are sad in truth
And that's why I'll go boo-hoo-hoo

So, here's my dilemma
Of which I hope you see

Do I play the one for him?
Or the One for me??
....sad as it may be.

truth of the matter

living a life
in the dawn of madness.
living with dignity
surrounded by fear
silence equated with Death.

Robin had Cancer
it was all over the news
the treatment, the struggle
thoughts of the inevitable
support in boatloads.

Young Blood, just got a call
he's got a new roommate
HIV has taken up space

can't tell Mama, "she gonna cry."
can't tell Papa, "he'd rather die."
so he keeps silent..
in hopes it will go away.....

he's gonna wake up soon
right?
he's gonna wake up soon........

my name is.....

cargo ships cold
rags cover my body
feet bare
lost and hungry
alone
alone
rocks
rocks for roads
smooth winding paths
colors
flashing lights
shaking
scared
no where to turn
no one I know...
must never forget who I am

The Proof is in the Puddin'

Do I believe in GOD?

Of Course I believe in GOD.

Take a look up, see the Moon?
...half Moon, bright and glowing...
That's GOD's loving eye watching us.

Feel that breeze, cool and light.
That's GOD surrounding us....

Feel the Earth, firm and steady.
That's GOD supporting us, holding us up.

So keep your rhetoric...hate and such....
I'm living proof of GOD and HIS Love and so is my Life.
xoxo

...to the DMV...ugh!

....I have put this off for way to long. Time to face the music. I have to turn in my NY State Drivers License....:( Ya'll have no idea of the BS I went through in 2006 to get that license....911 was stll fresh, you needed Valid ID to use a bathroom...(not really but...u get the point)..but NOW, in order to be considered for a PA Lottery Commercial...they wanna know if you're a resident......which makes sense to some degree, but where's the "equal consideration" in the Audition process...(stop trying to start shit James...just stop)

Lullaby for Lanae

child child, where do you go?
child child, what do you know?
child child, will ya take a stand?
child child, will you hold my hand?
child child, will you look and see?
never knowing what's to be,
seeing stars shine high and bright,
laughing, loving, day and night.

Flashbacks of a Fool

A mirror and a flourescent light
Are all I need to see the Truth.
The Eyes tell it all.

I am a slave to myself.
Running and Hiding.

It' raining right now, hard.
All I want to do, is run outside, stand in the middle of the street,
And spin, spin, spin...so dizzy.

Gone is Self Hatred
Gone is Dis-gust
Gone is Dis-ease

Loneliness was a friend of mine...
Gone for someone else.

For the last couple of months I've been "letting go." Letting go of old pictures, memories. Things that have no real bearing in my life. When I released those memories, trashing most, passing on a few, a weight was lifted. I felt a little taller. It made me realize that I was holding on to these "things" for the sake of "holding onto". If that makes any sense. Truth be said, the true memories are already ingrained in my head. And I can "memory recall" for any moment in my life....so the material substances, truly have no place in this New Life of mine.
That's what it is all about...not keeping and storing and salvaging all these THINGS. I think of Jesus sometimes when I'm feeling gluttonous and in that "I need", "I want", mood. WWJD? Funny, I thought that was some "catchy" hip phrase being used to impress. That's the cynic in me.....smdh. ha.

Original Art Work by James Tolbert III

Brown Skin, a VideoPoem. Written and Performed by James Tolbert III

Brown Skin

by James Tolbert III

Brown Skin, Oh my Brown Skin

You brought me to Huey

You made me think of Malcolm

You define intelligence

You epitomize blackness.

Eager I was to be a part,

Wakened you did this lonely heart,

Violins play with each letter of your name

In your presence I feel no shame.

Years of Self Hatred, Self Inficted,

Society dictates, We conform to the best o our abilities,

Living positively in a negative World,

Being Positive in an ignorant World.

I can only define who I am,

I can only be who I am,

I chose to live,

Live life fully, uninhibited with such Joy,

Laughing, playing...

My Dreams are not Infected,

I stand my ground.

I make or break the shots,

Nothing can bring me down.

I hold within me the Secrets of Success.

As I sit and Ponder,

I look out and see trees talking,

Their soothing language lends harmony to the birds.

I jogged to the center of this great expanse,

Timidly I knelt down.

There was a beautiful Red Rose beginning to bloom.

My Spirit re-newed,

I reluctantly trudged back the way I came,

With the happiness of a giddy child,

I jumped and skipped and began to fly.

My Feet were running in the air,

Then I thought....

I never loved since last I loved you,

It's been years since last I saw you,

It seems like ages since last I held you,

And yet the scent of you still lingers.

Sometimes it's the smallest thing

That brings me back to you,

Trips I don't mind making

It's to you that I travel to...

If I were to go away tomorrow

I could walk with my head held high,

Knowing that I loved,

Knowing I was loved.

We had some moments that seemed so hard,

We had some moments that seemed so right.

I close my eyes,

Feel your warmth,

Taste your lips,

Hear your heartbeat, and know,

You were real and not a Dream.....

Ah had't a Dre'm!

Part of a series of monologues....
A man reflects on a dream from the night before...